Giving as a gift

I was thinking of this lately.I felt I had become a charity case. As I got older, I was stunned to come across friends who rarely said anything. One particular friend in fact comes to mind. Quite comfortable and tended to give me the impression she tolerated me. We had a habit of having arguments more often than chats. She would point out that I was too much of a personal introvert. I would ask her in very acidic terms if she wanted a blabbermouth. Personal  introvert? She will tell me I kept my pains personal. Ergh.

I did not even realize she was a silent champion of some of my experiences as she was also close mouth near me. Life can sometimes give you more limes than you need for a lemonade and  I had learned to sweeten the limes my way. Sometimes I streamed out my pain in poetry. It was the only way I learned to talk. Communicate my inmost thoughts. Not very surprised to learn I could count my friends on a finger. Who needs them I would taunt myself as I tried to stare down the pinpoints of pain and longing I suspected I saw in my eyes.

Hey, this piece is not a moan. I want you to be able to come back and read again right? Good. What did I start with? Giving as  gift. Cool. Have you thought of giving your love quietly as a gift? Thinking  compassionately of someone in a loving quiet way?. Particularly if that someone is likely going to make you clench your fingers and hold your breath as you tell yourself to stick a smile on.

Giving to someone when our intention is to box the ears of that particular person? I have experienced it. It is not giving a material gift, but giving another human being a second chance to redeem love from you. It is the best gift. I have my own problems understanding that but I sigh as I remember the good Lord admonished us not to enter his synagogue if we are at odds with one another. Sometimes in annoyance I find myself praying that the brother will not come by so I can enter His synagogue in some semblance of peace. I discovered it never works. My synagogue is my heart, my spirit and my sacred place. I must learn to worship the Father in the open airy space of peace in the meadows of my soul where all is beauty, songs and gratitude. I learn that giving is a gift, a gratitude returned for the love of the Father towards me. I am alive, pulsing, and moving.

Love is giving, and that we must learn how to earn. The ability to love and give it in your thoughts, in the comments you make to another about anyone, and your activity in creation.

Suddenly, you earn yourself the peace of listening to the beats of creation. The whirring sound of the wind in the grass, the silence has a shape and a song and there is promise and gratitude in your soul,

I very rarely come on to the social media. I ask myself, why I need so many followers, I come across the word influencer and I shake my head for I do not want to be bound. Life is continuous motion to animate the spirit. I am at the edge of a world. I sense the rotation of other worlds under pulsing conditions. There is motion all around me. Learning and moving is the basis of the human longing even in his sciences. He feels he is an embryo who must assimilate and imbibe , be alive and pulsate with the movements. Why will I want to bind myself to an edge of a vastness I can only dimly sense?

I learn that If I learn that giving is a gift, I understand one law..’throw your bread upon the waters’, ‘only in giving do we receive the benefits of Love we once received when the gates opened and man became conscious in His Subsequent Creation with the possibility of Eternity.

To earn the possibility of being part of IS in creation. The greatest gift we ever received when the Lord gave.

Learn to give from yourself friend, for giving is a gift and we are recipients of this gift.

After Effects of I NEED TO KNOW…. VINCE

The last post I had here was sharing some of my thougghts of my experiences. I chatted about writing the television series I NEED TO KNOW. I decided to reach out to the young persons I met while shooting the series. My first responder is a young man I called Vince. He had kept in touch and sent me greetings when I turned70. A conversation evolved. This is the main outcome of my conversation with Vince.

: In the series I need to know, you took on the role of Vince, what did you think?

Starring as Vince in the series was the greatest challenge for me then as it was the main male

character of the series and I knew I just had to put every other thing aside to pass

the message and showcase myself

: 2. At the end of the series, did the series have any effect on you?

Oh yes I learnt a lot from the series.

And I want to say that though I got on set as an art student but left as a medical student in  the sense that it taught me about my health and my self. I would say being the very first time of acting along side great and fantastic actors

from the industry, It was also my first time being involved in an international project

3.What lessons did the series impact on you personally

On a personal note, I would say that it took away carelessness from me as I

started knowing about responsibility and accountability, values, morals, healthy

lifestyle etc. It also helped me to caution my emotions and taught me to be a good parent  (thanks to Dr Tanya). There were lots of misinformation out there which were all corrected by going  through the scripts and watching other actors deliver their lines

4. Did you make lasting friends from the series?

After the recording of the series, we all had to go about our studies which was

 very paramount to us all then. Well, I would say to an extent.

5. Tell us a bit about yourself twenty years after the series

Well, I am Ayoola Munis (arpa) a broadcasting journalist, voice over artiste, advertiser and creative director. I am also married to Abiodun Ajayi Munis (medical doctor) and we are blessed with  a daughter AraOluwa Munis.

We reside in Canada but the Nigerian blood still flows.

I ve just started my career in life professionally and I believe in  getting the job done at the right time.

6. Was anyone affected by your role? Share please

I wouldn’t really know if anyone was affected by the role played but my talent created lots of spark for people of my age then, to go into acting.

: 7. In Today’s understanding, do you think the series could still be effective?

For such series to break even now is really going to take a lot of energy, dedication,

 professionalism, trust from parents (especially those who watched the series then)

It is possible but it’s really going to be a tough one because of what now trends

in the social media and on the minds of young people out there

8. What are parenting issues that could be revisited? Share your thoughts.

Availability, communication, affection, education, morals and values.

Example, Vince’s mum was there to communicate with him as she had to double up

as a father and friend. Vince was just that talented lucky child that could have been

 misled by peer pressure.

May would have been a lucky girl but she had no communication with

 her parents as domestic violence was king between her dad and mum.

Lack of education for Amina’s parents and region, affected her decision making in life, as she was forced to follow the tradition of the land which led her hand to

be given out in marriage to a much older person.

Green didnt know his father and was exposed to street life which turned him to a street boy and almost ruined his life.

9. What do you think the producers of the series should add to reproductive health issues if they wish to revisit the series

Vision and ability to believe in one’s self. Lots of young ones are tossed here

and there for lack of vision and do not believe in their ability to achieve or

be a better person in life, though financial constraint might affect them also.

10. What lasting impact did the series have on you then and now?

For that, I would say responsibility

11. Thank you for sharing, please give us further comments on your views as Today’s parent.

Though parents are really working, doing a lot for their kids to have a bright future but it wont be enough to order them to do their homework, chores and other things, rather, do it with them.

Be positive in all you do before them and never tell them lies.

Take their minds away from sin by helping them know God early enough in life.

Remember that the future depends on the present.

Vince of I NEED TO KNOW, known to us as Ayoola Munis, thank you for sharing with me.

Growing old…I NEED TO KNOW

Growing Old….. I NEED TO KNOW

Some twenty years or more ago, I was an enthusiastic writer of a drama series  I NEED TO KNOW, Most of the cast and crew were young men and women I was meeting for the first time. I remember Bisi, or better stated Funke Akindele. A young, vibrant and irrepressible girl who constantly had a hoarse voice and had a vivacity you could almost feel. She was Bisi in the series and had a definite mind of her own. She was friends with her mates Ngozi, Hauwa and Essien. The four girls in the first season of the series. It was interesting how the girls interacted with each other and their general mother, Mrs. Tomori or otherwise referred to as Carol King. For a long time, I had a problem separating the girls from their roles. Maybe it was because the series I NEED TOKNOW was such a hit. The girls had fun, made it the series look so real that even when they were off camera, the jokes went on unabated.

Mrs. Tomori became a real big girl to the girls and boys. There was Bayo, who got a role because he kept making fun of the young man who was being auditioned to such a level that Lloyd Weaver asked him to audition and against expectation became the lead male actor Bayo in season one of the series. Bayo became a full actor after he read theatre arts from Ibadan.

I am flipping the pages and taking some interesting reading of my experiences because recently the cast and crew of this series came together and memories flooded in. What was the series about? Looking at students of Independence Memorial college and how they faced questions of adolescence and sexuality. UNFPA wanted to have a series that used drama to create a fun  teaching of reproductive health issues. It hoped that adolescents will have the answers to the questions of sexuality and reproductive health and be empowered enough to take responsible decisions on their reproductive health issues. In addition, it was to help underline the need to take positive decisions on issues so they could achieve life goals not hampered by child marriages, female genital mutilation, early teenage pregnancies and a host of other things.

As the deputy representative Daniel Landry explained, UNFPA added parent /child communication guideline for adults in the series. I NEED TO KNOW became a monster hit and the cast became stars in their own right. What happened to them after the series had run its course? What was the effect of the series on the cast and crew? When we met, there was camaraderies, memories and high fives. I wanted to learn how we all were making progress on the highway of life, dreams and ambitions.

Bisi as Funke Akindele we all always knew. Funke Akindele learned the enter –educate style and became the widely popular Jenifa in Jenifa’s Diary and has continued an activist drama series that states her vision and guide in her comedy skits that make sense. Did we sense that when she was Bisi? Did we have any reason to expect she was going to be such a thoughtful social commentator?

Jenifa’s Diary has created its own space in our media world and I salute Funke for visioning an interesting series.

Do you remember Vince? The Cassanova boyfriend of May who gave his mother sleepless nights because he had a thing on May, a young girl we projected as having HIV? His mother Tanya who was a doctor in the series had to separate her medical responsibilities from her concerns as a mother.

Vince became a professional mass communicator, and tells me, that what he learnt as a young actor affected his love life to make him a restrained person. He has taken parts in other media aspects of his life, conducts interview and longs for opportunity to allow today’s young persons learn how they can take effective control of the issues of life and goals.

What are those issues now? Fraud, a misplaced  decision to make money by whatever available means possible. Fast cars, fraudulent practices, drugs, cybercrimes have overtaken the youth of today. A young man hacked my Facebook account and put out a story that I have benefited from money doubling. The intention was to sway my friends into taking such short cuts. It was a very sad experience for me. This is one of the young person I had offered a free writing course so he could learn about being a writer. The feeling of someone stealing my identity was very strange, it was sad to find the attempt to smear me as a dishonest money doubler painful.

Can a series like I NEED TO KNOW help such a human being? Are we truly lost in a world so dark and dense that the principles we learned in growing up may no longer suffice to comfort us as grow old?

Yesterday’s Meadow,Tomorrow’s horizon

I used to wonder what I would feel like as I approach seventy. I remember when I was 69 my children smiled and said my seventieth was going to be their show, I would be Mama 70 and theywould laugh. I celebrate my birthdays. Always emerging from weeks of contemplation thankful and quiet. I rarely had a birthday party until I got to my sixties.
I remember a birthday some half a century ago. I had suddenly decided to visit my village, The oddest thing was I was a boarding student then and rarely was granted exeat like other students. The civil war had justended and my father as a former police officer had retired as a security officer fora timber company. During the civil war, he had been captured by the rebel soldiers and held hostage until his junior officers confirmed e was not Igbo and he was released withhis bosswhowas British then. For the three months, he was away with the igbos I had become an emergency head of family. Ihad gone through the harrowing experience of burying a man who was cut down in a barrage of gun fire by drunken federal soldiers in ourpresence. I slept with the sound of that gunfire for nights until my father who turnedup weeks later shared the experiences with me. When the young igbo widow roamed the streets crying and holding her new born helplessly, relief came when papa went looking for the commanding officer and ensured the woman was taken intocare. One meadow that stayed dark for ever. In the dark, I could only see my confusion, my hate. In the dark was my cry of the Western riots years earlier, when we stood on the balconies and tried which group of thugs were in the horizon and yelled ‘UPGA: or other wise in order to stay alive as #operation wetie’ ravaged Lagos. We survived the long walks , the yellingcrowds and sometimes the flames. In that meadow came the civil war. I had igbo friends had started teaching my dad some of the igbo phrases my friends taught me and I even has my first go oyfriend
The horizon? At that time, it was hazy, dark. You stared at everyone suspiciously. I learnt I was Yoruba, I had grown up in the North, the wide open dusty spaces of school, speaking Hausa with my schoolmates,folktales, Mr. Abdul andhis funny shoes. Hausa jokes barely could speak Yoruba, My step mother who brought meup could only teach me in Hausa, she was Shuwa Arab, It did not mean anything. My father’s other wives spoke a language I could not understand, until much later did I learn it was a dialect of my hometown that I visited when I was already a teenager.
I was introduced to my mother. We stared most times at each other. I was always very polite. Said all the polite things. Thank you Ma. I am not hungry ma when she offered me food.
Then she told me a love story about how she met my father,when she eloped with him to the North,the uproar and then the marriage. How she became a Christian and how I came about. Wow. I remembered and used that as a story in Nuen Yeye. It explained a bit of me and my dreams.
It was meadow that had a sun streaming light into it and gave me a glimpse of the horizon. Milky dawns tinted with song of me as writer like the fingers of the dawn streaked through the meadow and I could open my eyes to a dawn that gleamed.
I look again into Yesterday, this meadow,left fingerprints on my soul. It was meadow that yawned its boredom with my ignorance and teased janus a couple of time.
I make preparation for October as Janus slipped back several steps and opened the door to so many yesterdays.
I will share, as I peepand smiles hope like the pairs of trousers I had once given my love, my heart and dreams.
The agonies of wife, mistress, friends and life

Lifting up

  1. I have had quite a lot of conflicting thoughts lately. I usually go into a contemplative mood as my birth month and date approaches. This year, it was markedly different. I am going to be 70. Not much different right? I have friends who are much older. For me, three score and a decade, I felt like Methuselah. I went into a depression that puzzled me. I just could not bring myself to look forward to the date. Each day became an agony of reflections. I went back to my library and frowned at my books. Published and unpublished. I wondered when I would be a household name. I speculated about Maya Angelou, Jane Austen, Zulu Sofola, Gerry Huntman, Keith Walters. Private and public stars in my literary world.

I wondered about friends and friendships. I became uncomfortable wondering about such awful thoughts. I recognized the desperation to have felt love and experienced what I might call love. A very awful and depressing time. Did I want to celebrate this awfulness? Why did each day present itself in such sad colours to me

I saw myself outside of Creation living amongst aliens. It was crazy. Kept waiting for me to wake up from the environment.

This morning I did. I woke up to me. Always questioning, my age, my loves, my pains, my conviction in a Creator, and yes my despair over humanity. The odd calmness had lifted. I did not dread the day. I sighed. I was back into humanity. I felt a huge relief as I sent up a prayer of thanks. I am back to normal. I am back learning the basis of Love, understanding the essence of God’s love. I am learning to see His Mercy. I stand grateful and expectant of Grace.

I will like to share my journey as I stand expectant in the departure hall of Creation.

The ultimate

Most times, I wonder how as humans we always come to a flat level. The personal… ultimately we are concerned with ourselves. I always wanted an answer..why is the human being ultimately only interested in himself? Does he carry the ability to wonder what the son’s of the Light saw as they watched us? Can we step above ourselves and see? The ant can not comprehend the elephant but is boastful of its ability to be a nuisance. Our faith or convictions we’re intended to show us a basic underlying principle…Love. Jesus must have felt some sadness when He gave us the clue..Love your neighbor as yourself. Love conquers, it heals, binds and upholds. It is selfless. It teaches us the one thing we lack, the clarity to serve. Love swings on the axis of Creation. It is the rationale for our existence. There is the joy and the pain in the garden as Jesus found our obtuse selfish greed painful. Being Love Incarnate, He could not condemn. We are Christians? How? Through our denominations? Jesus had only one. Man created the others. Some of us felt we moved and see ourselves as adherents of the Message. We are sometimes very vindictive, callous and totally merciless while we tear into tiny bloody shreds anyone who cares to have a contrary view. We kill anyone who follows the injection to search diligently. We love orchids. We lack the greatest gift that the King of the Grail gave to humanity. The gift of Maria as the consumate not that determined Creation.. Love.
Prepare your souls, the pain of dropping from your vault into the Father’s world. The agony …intense agony of serving Love…becoming a human…your birth into the cascading lights and glorious songs as you move or are propelled through the womb… to your birth and you open your eyes to Love.

Does He Know my name?

Is there an affliction for the aged? First time I saw such a prayer I hesitated to say amen. I was curious. I asked myself that question. I am tired of all types of affliction. I am in the departure hall of Creation waiting for my flights. That was another friend telling me that when he turned 65 a year ago. We laughed over it. I asked him to explain, he said anytime a human being in the world today arrives at his age, he should mentally take himself to the departure hall of Creation ingratitude. He should prepare for his flight to be called. Hmmm. Can your flight be delayed? Do we have scheduled departures? A friend told me quite firmly that he had every intention of leaving at 60. I remember him saying, he would ask questions if he had to celebrate his 61stbirthday here on terra firma. When I asked him why he said he could not imagine him being70 here on terra firma. He died at 60
Why am I writing in this vein? Wish I can tell you but I have always been known to be reflective as my birthday approaches. I find myself reviewing and checking on what I want. Some of my friends shrug and say, a birthday is not particularly different from the previous day Problem for me is, usually three months before I instinctively become reflective. I reflect on my experiences, lessons learned and sometimes make resolutions. Not, not new year resolutions, I don’t do that, make new year resolutions. Just review us as humanity and the depths we have dropped into.
Should I go to the departure Hall of creation and await my flight? When I hear the comments rest in peace, I am usually uncomfortable. Imagine not being allowed to write for all of eternity. I am horrified by the intensity of that kind of pain. I will be 70 in a matter of weeks. I still love writing.
Standing on the edge of the vast Creation, I watch and sigh, like the elephant watches the ant. It sees the ant bust building its world which can easily be destroyed by the switch of its tusk. Does the elephant know of the ant by name? Crazy thoughts. I sense a vastness I will never fully comprehend, the ego of assuming you are part of Creation, the danger of being swept off if like the ant you become a nuisance. Does the Creator know my name? Is it important? The laws are there to take care of my dreams and longings.
My best friend sighs and tells me that she always knew I have these questions. I am looking forward to completing my 70th year here. It will be significant for me. Some questions will remain unasked as I really do not want some answers? Did my activities in creation encourage love?. Will the mention of my name bring forth a smile, a shrug. Can’t even remember my great grandmother. She earned the right to be referred to as my ancestor. That is funny
These days when I remember my dad,I smile, I can still see his face and my mum, we talk in a more friendly manner now. I am sure some of her pain for loving my dad is lessened. I see her now as a woman and understand the wild love she had for my dad. Have I ever felt that type of love for anyone? I am not in the confessional am I?
I just might be lucky and turn 70. I am grateful for the number of times my love was returned, given and cherished. I feel oceans of love for some too, who might never return it in the same quantum. I have been permitted so much in this creation. Like a pinpoint of light I stand overwhelmed, enmeshed enraptured by grace and mercies. The essence of love and beauty swamps my spirit and I am absorbent grateful spirit.
Thanks for reading, a part of my experience. What is the affliction of old age?
Does the Father Almighty know my name?
Alight pinpoint of gratitude shimmering in eternal praise.?

Become a Toastmaster like me

I have not chatted for a while but quite a lot of experiences lately has made this necessary. I have a reason to share. Do you remember when I talked about being a Toastmaster? One of the interesting things I learned is knowing about the founder Ralph Smedley, the founder of Toastmasters International. What does it mean to you when you hear someone say he is a Toastmaster? The tendency is to look at the person as a smooth talker right? If you are a Nigerian and about my age, you would have heard the comment: I am black and proud. We have a tendency to be defensive and suspicious of good talkers. I have come across professionals who become tongue-tied when asked to talk on a subject they are proficient in. It is attributed to a shyness that comes over them when making speeches.
On the other side of this observation are the ones who have mastered the art of persuasion to fine art of finesse and aplomb that you are left wondering if they learned the gift of the gab someplace deliberately? I used to be that kind of person, hesitant to talk and suspicious of those who can sway with a fine delivery. I used to imagine they were politicians. I hesitated being labelled as one and was not sure until this fine evening when a Toastmaster invited me to become one. I have told you that story before.
I became a Toastmaster and through my Pathways programme learned a whole lot about how to be a public speaker. I have not joined any political party, but I have been imbued with an enthusiasm to reach out to you to become a Toastmaster.
The human word is a gift, a gift to know how to speak and reach your listener. The ability to learn how to speak in public, understand the nuances in your vocal variety, learn the points of learning how to listen as distinct and different from hearing became pivotal in my learning capabilities as a potential team leader.
There is beauty in communication, the beauty of learning the right words, right atmosphere and appropriate topics that will create a desired effect and response is the mark of a natural leader. You learn that at Toastmasters international.
It is a self-improvement class of honing your natural skills to communicate, impact and help your fellow human being. As a Toastmaster, you earn finesses, courtesy, dignity and you find you listen better and understand the power of the word. The beauty of the gift of the human word that the Creator handed over to us and your art of persuasion.
I find this educational NGO so worthy of my attention that I sincerely wish to invite you into a world of love, guide and enthusiasm to achieve a better you.
I know I can speak like Obama, one of these days and why don’t you learn how to be better than your favourite public speaker?
It is simple, visit and be swayed. Learn and imbibe. You can also reach me here with your comments.

How do you count?

I am looking forward to my 70th birthday. I am confused though. How do I count? The day after my 70th I will technically be on the first day of 71st right? When a child is born he spends his first day on earth His first year when he moves from 0-1? So I am looking forward to completing the last day of my 70th year should be my consideration right?
Am I frightened by the approaching date? Am I looking forward to it in these days of COVID 19? When being old has become a cause for concern for government and relatives? Before the pandemic became a scourge on our thoughts and plans, we looked forward to joining the senior citizens club. You looked at your grey hair and reviewed your journey. Your sense of gratitude notches every day you open your eyes to gross matter and you thank the Father Almighty for the opportunity to close circles now as you prepare for your journey into the next experience. All the pains of your youth, middle-age scramble are now viewed in the beauty of the sunlit sunset of memories.
No need to sigh in regrets but to quietly thank the All-Father for the guidance, help and support that you have received. Yes, it is a review. A name comes across your mind and you either grin, frown or chuckle. What happens if it is a frown? You check and open the pages, not in pain, but in silent understanding as you try to understand those misshapen steps you had taken and attempt to forgive yourself. Were you hurt or felt used? Did you listen to the inner promptings you received and how you had allowed societal considerations to silence the thoughts?
When you see your grandchildren strut and moan about being fashionable, you smile as you remember your grandma’s concern when you wore what was a mini to say hello and she was worried you might catch cold. Fashion, you learned gradually was a circle, it repeats itself. You remember that you had been more concerned about the beauty of the soul than your boyfriend’s concern about the figure eight he raved about. Your confusion at his inability to understand the sounds at dawn and why he preferred that awful music to your recitation of the lyrics of Millicent Small..’ my boy lollipop’ didn’t like lollipops except to call you one and he didn’t understand why you objected to such a nickname. he was not Sir Galahad.
MEMORIES, AND DAYS… Your first love. When you could hardly breathe, your first tragedy as you walked into the hostel and your skin crawled and you knew your dad needed you. The urgent travel to the village to find he was ill. The mad lonely drive from the village to Ile Ife, to the hospital, his admission and as you sat quietly beside his sleeping form, you received the pictures again that he would be leaving soon. That knowledge that you could never explain, which you learned later was intuition. Your inability to explain to his wives or even to him. You returned to the village, he discussed his plans with you. You were to apply for your’ ‘A’ levels so you could make plans to go to medical school. You wanted to be a surgeon.
As you made plans to return to school he called you back and noted you were becoming a young woman, so he gave you more money than he had ever given. He gave you a long look and asked you to write to him the minute you got back to school. You were his confidant but you felt bad that you did not confide your fears
That was a goodbye from gross matter, for your next meeting was years after he had departed and he wanted to let you know he was fine and you went over to visit him.
Now you look in the mirror and wonder if you will be permitted to depart peacefully Covid19 or not. You have no intention of being a victim of Covid19 no matter the concern of the government and loved ones. Like grandma, you had asked that you be permitted to depart peacefully. Preferably like grandma during sleep.
As you prepare to conclude 70 years, you ask yourself, how many more and thank you ALL FATHER for every second.

The lesson to forgive yourself

The grave smiles and beckons. You look forward to another existence, but this has large question marks you need to answer. Your children, as you hope to feel you have done your best to give them an understanding of what life has in store. Your fears and clear knowledge that some hard lessons have to be experienced by each of them and all the intense love you have may not be the solution. You are the one who has felt the intensity. You are sharply reminded that they incarnated through you but do not necessarily need to have the kind of life you have or the one you have experienced.
The lesson is urgent and intense sometimes and your memories could sometimes be painful as you remember. You are desperate to forgive because you know if the bell goes and your flight to the next realm is announced, there are destinations you want to avoid so you are desperate to learn here and now, why you must forgive yourself so you can forgive others.
‘One day at a time’ goes the song and you repeat it in your heart as you watch your children and their children. You ask yourself over and over, did I give them all they will need? You are not thinking of money because you never had enough of that, you have been taught very bitter lessons about not having enough money. You never did have enough money. Came to that recognition, when you sadly accepted that you could not sell water in the desert. You felt the pain of watching your son die in your arms because you did not have the money to pay for the doctor to order that he should be given a drip. He had gastroenteritis and you were not taught about oral rehydration then, no mum in close communication who could have taught you how to do local rehydration, the father of the child had gone on his own sporting activity. He was not a professional, it was something he could afford to ignore, he really was not into being a father, and you paused as the next painful recognition sails into your consciousness…he had made such a big deal about his freedom to come and go as he pleased.
You watch your son as he keeps emptying a now empty bowel so you use the only money left with you to take him to the next government hospital, the doctor and nurses run around accepting your blank look of terror, confusion and pain and a very weakened boy is taken into the ward. This time you knew it was too late for that soul that had kept you company and happy. He’s always smiling face, his eagerness to breathe was being hampered by his collapsing lungs as he struggled for air. Your heart is slowly shattered as you watch him depart. You stand up and go over to the nurses to tell them to come and tidy up your son. You say it so calmly that they wonder if you have lost it too. You watch as they calmly tidy him up. The question in your head is, if you had thirty naira, he would have been saved. You remember your desperate appeal to the nurse at the private hospital where you had rushed him to at first because it was the closest to you and it was the hospital where you had given birth to him eleven months before. You remember begging them to hold you and not discharge you until you have settled the bill. As they park your dead son away, you stand up and walk from Lagos Island to your house on the mainland. It was maybe six or ten kilometres, but that was covered in a blur at three am in the morning. The buses had not started running and the bridges were quiet.
The one lesson you learnt was you did not have money. If you had money your child would have been alive. As you arrive home and take the stairs, the numbness wears off and you break down in tears. You apologize to the departed son. You weep, two days of intense misery then the father of the dead son returns from his trip and is stunned to learn the passing of his son. You watch his shock from a distance in your soul. A page is drawn over your misery. .
Just like the page was drawn over your very first child as she never made the required necessary pass to exist. In three years, you had lost two children for the same man in circumstances that were very preventable. You had no money.
Life rolled on but sometimes you woke up screaming silently helplessly seeking answers and comfort. Lonely, alone and afraid. As the years grew on, you learnt the art of sinking the pains deeper. You recognised your bitterness and anger only when you had other children. You were willing to do anything for your children within the financial bounds you found yourself.
You had silently celebrated the birthdays of your dead daughter and son, chatted with them and finally explained about incarnations, karma and missions.
Now the smile of the grave gets wider and friendlier, you have one worry, will you be given time to forgive yourself so you can forgive them, the ones who had taken advantage of you, the ones who had ignored your appeals for help… Why do these remembrances bring you so much intense pain even after? Your gratitude will only be accepted when you learn the importance of forgiving yourself so the lessons Life offered could be absorbed in the gratitude to the King of Creation.